February 17, 2012

Goodbyes

A week ago today I made the hour long drive to go to my parents'/grandparents' house and visit for the day. My parents were on a road trip to Minnesota to deliver some woodworking equipment to my sister's in-laws, and my little brother and his wife were house sitting for my parents to watch the dogs and keep the "old folks" company in their absence. I thought about waiting until the weekend when Joe's school schedule would allow him to go with me, but in the end I decided to go by myself. I spent the afternoon with my brother and sister-in-law and ended up staying later than I initially planned because I was enjoying a more in-depth visit with my grandparents than I've taken time to have in a while. I will be forever grateful for the inner voice that urged me to make that trip because early Friday morning, my grandmother passed away. It is such a gift to have those final happy memories of her and to have no regrets at her death.

Death is of course inevitable for all of us, and I'm sure we've all had thoughts about how, if not when, we'd prefer the inevitable to occur. My grandmother was blessed with what most people's ideal scenario would be - a  swift, peaceful death in her sleep, in her own home, with her head on the shoulder of her husband of 64 years. This little one growing inside of me right now just missed meeting his/her great-grandmother by a few months. Life is such a miracle and a mystery, at both beginning and end.

There is a deep sadness, but also beauty and peace in Grandma's passing. I can't begin to imagine the changes in my grandfather's life as he adjusts to her absence. He was her loving husband for decades and devoted caretaker during her final years suffering from Alzheimers. Their relationship remains an inspiration to me. I spent four days at home, steeped in the love and comfort of family and friends as we went about preparing Grandma's funeral. At the same time, I am struggling with intense feelings of grief and anger around my thoughts about those who chose not to be physically present at her burial. Sometimes an actual death can be easier to come to terms with. I am very grateful for Joe and the empathy and understanding her provides as I continue to decompress and process my experience. I find strength in my belief that God is Love and happiness in the thought that for Grandma right now, that is more than an intellectual notion; it is her whole reality.


1 comment:

Becky said...

Beautiful, Amanda. Love you.